Shall we?
Fritzshisenhoffer was like no creature I'd ever seen in any movie, game, book, cartoon, Hollywood boulevard -- anywhere. They never even showed him on the official Simon Masters' Normal or Dead website. For lack of a better one-word description, he was awesome. He was completely black with light grey pinstripes. It wasn't like a regular two or four - legged creature with a body, head, and tail or such. It was as if he were made out of rubberized metal pipe cleaners. That came as a packaged brick, until he decided what interested him. His 'body parts' could bend into anything in any direction at any angle. It was like all seven of these black and grey pinstriped tube things had minds of their own. They could even shrink or stretch at their convenience. Fritzshisenhoffer entertained everyone with his ability for a few minutes while Simon and his assistant watched adoringly. When we thought we'd seen it all, Fritzshisenhoffer jumped off his float and spoke from a plump pair of wet, pale pink lips that appeared from nowhere onto what I guessed was his head. Along with his first word, four purple eyeballs popped onto his rectangular head, two on the front and two on the back.
He had a very proper British accent. "Good evening to you all, thank you so much for inviting me. I do hope you will pardon my tardiness Master." With that, a tiny top hat grew, like a crown, above his shoebox-like head. He removed it and bowed like he was greeting the Queen. Fritzshisenhoffer made his way over to the base of Simon's float. He moved like a pair of scissors would if they had to walk. He was so unbelievably tall when he stood up straight he could easily touch the top of a telephone pole.
"Not to worry Fritzy, my pal," Simon reached out to shake what I can only assume was Fritzy's hand. "But we must wrap up this little pre-show so our guests can get on with their evening."
"Very well Master, what is it you require of me?" Fritzy was apparently Simon's version of a butler.
"Fritzy, these are the Hamiltons of Kissimmee Florida; Bill, Marie, and Tiffany." Simon gestured to the glazed over faces of his experiment. "I need you to spend some time with them while our guests go enjoy our film. You know what's required. You must help determine if they are 'normal' humans or if their lives are so incomplete, they may as well be dead." Simon finished his order with that old mysterious voice, all the while, the Hamiltons sat, as if hypnotized.
"I beg your pardon sir," Fritzy protested, "but the film is only one hundred and twenty seven minutes, surely you're not suggesting I complete my work in that length of time."
"Surely I am, my loyal friend," Simon confirmed "but just in case you're not up to the challenge, I'll call upon all of our exclusive guests. We shall meet up again at the Normal or Dead after party!" That was it. Simon and his mini parade returned through the wall they came from. Rock music took over the air after the announcement came that we had forty-five minutes to make our way to the theatre seating.
I couldn't wait to see the film, but I was glad for the extra time. "Come on Dad! Let's make our way around the booths as much as we can. I have to see everything so I can report back to Benny." I was bouncing and ready to go.
"You bet," he agreed, "let's hit the caramel corn first."
By the time the announcer came on to say there was ten minutes until show time, we were ready for the chance to sit for a while -- plus I had to pee. As we made way to our seats I could see the general ticket holders already seated - pulling stuff out of bags all excited like they were unwrapping presents.
"Dad this is totally the best, we get gift bags!"
He laughed at me like any pro would at a beginner. "I told you there'd be freebies." He answered. I was already ripping into my treasure. Even the bags themselves were really cool, like old-fashioned Doctor's bags, only orange, with 'Normal' stitched on one side in white and 'Dead' on the other in black. Inside each bag was a CD and video game from the film, a sweatshirt with Fritzy on it, a baseball cap with the Simon Masters' logo on the front and 'Normal or Dead World Premiere' on the back. It gets even better too; there were all of the 3D character's Burger World toys and specially packaged candy bars. Then, at the bottom was the best thing of all. Inside a shiny black box was a small version of Fritzy's outer space float and on the float was you guessed it, a miniature Fritzy. When I took him off of the float I realized that the outer space thing was actually a digital camera, unbelievable! The film was starting -- I settled into my seat and Dad squeezed his arm around me then messed up my hair with his hand.
I soared ahead of Dad spinning around to talk as we exited the theatre, no more stretched out arms for me. "So, I guess it'd be a stupid question if I asked if you were up for the after party huh E?" Dad smiled.
"Duh, I wouldn't miss it for the world! This has been the best night of my life." I added a little flare with my arms to make sure my point was well taken.
"Tell me, what did you make of the film?" Dad asked, as he arranged both bags of loot over his shoulders.
"It was awesome! Don't tell me you didn't like it Dad?" I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Are you kidding? Of course it was fantastic. I meant what did you make of what it had to say?" he explained.
Dad has this strange way of teaching me lessons through song lyrics, and movies. What did I know? I figured that's the way it was done in Hollywood.
"Simon is a genius. Not only is he the funniest thing on two legs, it's his way of doing it. He's giving these people therapy in a funny way and they don't realize it. He's sending them a wake up call to open their eyes at the same time he's showing all of us that there is hope for everyone." Even as these words rolled off my tongue I didn't realize until just then how much I did learn in there.
"Of course I'd see it again, just for the scandalous wet tee-shirt scene," that's what I loved about Dad; he could make a serious point and in the next breath be an obnoxious teenager.
"It made me want to be like Simon, Dad. I think I'd like to make people laugh. Most of all I want to get to the Connor Faldrane's and the 'papa-rat-zi' of the world."
"Easy E, I don't need your mom blaming me for any more egg salad incidents."
"No, that's not what I meant. I've been wondering why I was in this plastic town; maybe this is my purpose. Plus, Benny and Me have a pact, to show these morons what it's really like you know, to be real. You know what? I'm gonna give Benny the Fritzshisenhoffer camera." I was sure this was the first step to a new and happy me.
"Promise you'll let me know when you've come up with a plan okay, and it won't be necessary to give up the Fritzennishener camera."
"It's Fritzshisenhoffer," I interrupted to correct him though I'm sure he did it on purpose.
"Remember, we got two bags," Dad continued. "You can have mine. That way you can give Benny yours. Now, let's get a move on to see what else we can get our hands on." Dad was off to see the wizard -- and this time I had no problem following the yellow-brick road.
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